The most entertaining hockey of the year in the GTA is provided by kids, in the annual holiday tournaments around town.
And as is my custom, I took in a little bit of all of them, including the GTHL Showcase in Scarborough, the Jim Baird Memorial in Downsview and the Marlies Holiday Classic in, well, just about every arena in the city, it seems.
I had the pleasure of sitting beside a couple of local living legends at the Dave Keon Invitational, tournament organizers "Slick" Statten and Cal Cartwright.
Here is a taste of what a typical day sounded like for them:
CAL: "Hey Slick, where've you been, man? You missed half the first game. The Oilers are really sticking it to the Ducks."
SLICK: "I'm not surprised, man. Edmonton always makes it tough on Anaheim."
CAL: "Actually, I was talking about Saudi Arabia and Peking. I thought you followed hockey. Anyhoo, where were you?"
SLICK: "Crisis at the buffet table. Poor kids from Team Kazakhstan were heart-broken. Nothing on the menu from their native land. But I called my buddy Nik Antropov of the Maple Leafs and he gave me a quick heads-up. So we rustled some up some grub to make them feel like they were right back home."
CAL: "What did you get for them?"
SLICK: "All their faves. Whoppers with cheese, Dave's Biggie Fries, chicken McNuggets, pizza slices, cafe lattes - and side orders of secret sauce."
CAL: "Hey, did you see those behemoths by the vending machines? They're downright scary."
SLICK: "Tell me about it. I've never seen a tyke team so big."
CAL: "Now, you wanna hear something scarier? That's Team Phillipines. Half of them are nicknamed Bubba."
SLICK: "All our kids love to play Team Shanghai. For some reason an hour later, they're hungry to play them again."
CAL: "They're not too crazy about playing Team Paris, though. After the game, instead of the customary handshake, they always kiss you on both cheeks."
SLICK: "I can't say I blame them. I don't like it when my Mom kisses me after the game on one cheek."
CAL: "I didn't know your Mom was still playing. I'll tell her you prefer a handshake after she beats you. By the way, did you see Team Stockholm on Rink 2. They were flying, just like in the World Junior Tournament. And everyone of them is blond. You can pick 'em out a mile away."
SLICK: "I think they kick you out of the country if you're not blond."
CAL: "I wouldn't want to be a peroxide salesman over there, that's for sure."
SLICK: "I wonder if they tell brunette jokes in Sweden?"
CAL: "Now Slick, I know that's Team Helsinki warming up on Rink 1. The sweaters from Finland are always the coolest. And Team Moscow on Rink 3 is easy to spot. With those high-tempo skating and passing drills the Russians always mesmerize everybody. But for the life of me I can't figure out who the heck that is on Rink 4. I've never seen them before."
SLICK: "C'mon, man. That's Team England."
CAL: "For real? They play hockey in the U.K. now, too?"
SLICK: "Yup. They've got a pro league. Theoren Fleury played in it. And Marty McSorley's brother coached over there."
CAL: "Wow. But how do you know for sure that's Team England?"
SLICK: "Easy. They're skating on the wrong side of the ice."