But Seriously

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I couldn't believe my eyes: The newspaper ad said Pizza Magnifico was offering a medium peperroni pizza for just $2.99. Walk-in only. Limit two per customer.

You didn't have to buy another one first, or fries and a drink. You simply had to walk in. Heck, I can walk in a pizza joint in my sleep.

So I dropped by Pizza Magnifico on Tuesday to cash in on the deal.

ME: "I'll have the medium pepperoni, please."

CASHIER: "Excellent choice, amigo.That'll be $8.99."

ME: "Hold on. That's the regular price. The ad says it's $2.99."

CASHIER: "That it does. But it says it's for walk-in only."

ME: "I know. And I just walked in."

CASHIER: "You most certainly did not. You sashayed in. We caught it on our video surveillance camera. It's top of the line. It can pick out a Magnifico employee giving away a Magnifi-Bit at 100 paces, if you'd like to see a replay."

ME: "I would. And print me a copy, too. So I can take it to Silverman Helps."

CASHIER: "Voila. And when you show it to Mr. Helps, tell him I'm a huge fan."

ME: "I don't know what you think you're pulling here, but that's no sashay."

CASHIER: "I stand corrected. You're right. It was an amble. You ambled in."

ME: "I didn't amble in. I don't even know what the heck an amble is."

CASHIER: "It's a kind of leisurely stroll."

ME: "I didn't stroll in, either, leisurely or otherwise."

CASHIER: "Now that you mention it, it does look more like a saunter."

ME: "I didn't saunter in."

CASHIER: "Perhaps it was a casual mosey. But you're just splitting hairs."

ME: "Oh, I see what's going on here. You think the public will just waltz in here, then you'll give them the runaround and they'll just figure, well, I'm already here anyway, so I may as well just pay the regular price. Right?"

CASHIER: "No. And you can't waltz in either. You're not paying attention. I told you, walk-ins only get the discount. And you didn't walk in. Plain and simple."

ME: "OK, I give up. You win. So show me how to walk in properly, then."

CASHIER: "I thought you'd never ask... There. Now you try it."

ME: "How's that?

CASHIER: "Excellent. Let's see you do it again, to make sure it wasn't a fluke."

ME: "What about that?

CASHIER: "Beautiful. Now one more time for good luck."

ME: "Ta da!"

CASHIER: "Best of the three. That out of the way, what'll it be for you tonight?"

ME: "I'll have the medium peperroni pizza, please."

CASHIER: "Terrific. That'll be $8.99. Will that be cash or credit card?"

ME: "But it's supposed to be $2.99. I just walked in. Three times."

CASHIER: "Ah, but the ad stipulates: limit TWO per customer. So, you're ONE walk-in over the limit. Now, step aside, I've got a business to run. Next."

NEXT CUSTOMER: "Medium pepperoni, please."

CASHIER: "Excellent choice.That'll be $8.99."

NEXT CUSTOMER: "Huh? I thought there was a $2.99 deal on."

CASHIER: "It's a long story. Read Jamie's column and you'll figure it out. But in the meantime, accept the fact that you have to pay the regular price today."

NEXT CUSTOMER: "But I don't get it."

CASHIER: "I think it's pretty obvious, ma'am. You meandered in - and rather lackadaisically I might add."

You can reach Jamie at jamie.wayne@sympatico.ca