BUT SERIOUSLY: Back to school primer for parents

Well the kids go back to school Tuesday. The $64,000 question is: Are you ready? If the answer is no, not to worry. This tried-and-true daily checklist will guide you smoothly through another school year.

INFLEXIBLE BEDTIME

This is Job 1, moms and dads. You can't make it through the school year with wacky bedtime hours all over the map like they are during the summer. There can be one and only one bedtime. And you have to be firm on that. No wavering. OK? Good. So in order to be refreshed and raring to go every day, may I suggest the kids tuck you in at precisely 8 p.m. every evening?

ESTABLISH A MORNING RITUAL

Same deal as the one above. It has to be written in stone. The following infallible four-pronged routine has become the industry standard.

1. You wake up the kids and plead with them to get out of bed. Then you beg them to get out of bed and finally you bribe them to get out bed.

2. Next you plead with them to get dressed. Then you beg them to get dressed and finally you bribe them to get dressed.

3. Then you make their breakfast and plead with them to eat it. Then you beg them to eat it and finally you bribe them to eat it.

4. Lastly you plead with them to get into the car, Then you beg them to get into the car and then you bribe them to get into the car. When all that inevitably fails, finally you drag them to the car. It works like a charm every time.

LIMIT INTERNET TIME

All the experts agree on this one. There's no getting around it. So dad, you're gonna have to drop out of your online Texas Hold 'Em poker league.

Sorry, but there's no other way. When it comes to keeping on top of kids during the school year you have to be "all-in" seven days a week, 24 hours a day.

CLOTHING

This too is mandatory. So buy your kids some for heaven's sake. You don't want them showing up to school in their birthday suits. No, to answer your obvious question, not even on casual Fridays. Trust me. It looks bad.

BACKPACK

Every bit as important as clothes, maybe more so. Every kid needs a place to carry their every day school essentials. I'm talking of course of their cellphone, Blackberry, iPod, iPhone4, MP3 player, Nintendo Wii, XBox 360 and PlayStation3. It's either a backpack or a shopping cart. You decide.

GET RID OF THAT BLANKET ONCE AND FOR ALL

This last bit of advice is for those moms with kids heading off for their first day of kindergarten. This separation anxiety stuff is a real doozy, no question. And the blanket business is the toughest of all habits to break. But break it you must. The kids know it, you know it. Are we clear on that? Excellent.

That out of the way, seeing as how the kids got rid of their blankies back before daycare, don't you think it's high time you finally got rid of yours now, too?