I have this friend in Scarborough who kept bugging me to do a ridiculous project so I jokingly told him to "go fly a kite."
Well his reaction stopped me in my tracks. He told me in great detail about why he couldn't fly a kite anymore.Toronto council had decided that if you were caught flying a kite in the park behind his house, you'd be fined $100.My friend told me they banned kite flying because the line got caught in trees, which leads to birds getting caught.City workers also complained the kite line got caught in their machinery.I have to admit I didn't know what to say.Last week I told my cousin that I wanted to get together and "shoot the breeze" and he told me that he couldn't.He told me that living in the Beaches, shooting the breeze would happen if planned wind turbines were put in Lake Ontario. Beach residents don't want the windmills or the breeze they'd shoot so coming over and "shooting the breeze" wouldn't be appreciated in his neighborhood.What?Yesterday a co-worker was giving me a hard time with something so I told him to "take a long walk off a short pier".He told me he couldn't because he didn't know how to swim. He said new Canadians don't learn to swim like people in Canada do so he didn't think it was appropriate for me to say that.Excuse me?Another person I know was getting really upset about something insignificant so I told her to "take a chill pill". She informed me taking drugs, whether they were prescription or not, was why so many celebrities were having problems and that by suggesting a chill pill to someone could lead them to a life of drug abuse and eventually crime.Say what? I then came home and told my wife that I had "taken it on the chin" at work and she freaked.She informed me no one has the right to hit another employee in the face and that I should think of suing the company for millions.I was now out of my mind so I sat down and wrote these phrases the way they'll now be said by me and eventually by people all over the world. You know what, I'm glad I'm doing this because now when I speak to people they'll feel safer.GO FLY A KITE (as long as it's done in a way that respects everyone and every living animal on Earth. Kites also fly high and they do crash so appropriate protection must be worn and always remember that kite line can be fatal.)TAKE A LONG WALK OFF A SHORT PIER (as long as you have a Level 3 swimmer's badge that has been approved by the Red Cross of Canada. You must also remember that any amount of water can be dangerous, so we suggest caution when drinking from a public fountain.)SHOOT THE BREEZE (as long as the shooting isn't directed at anyone or anything. A breeze does not come from a gun but shooting can refer to velocity, which means a force is generated that may cause injury if directed at someone or something.)