BUT SERIOUSLY: Toronto plays host to hockey summit

There isn't enough space here to summarize all the key areas of discussion on display at the four-day World Hockey Summit held in Toronto this week. It had a little bit of everything, chaired by a who's who of what's what in the game today. Reports on the panels, presentations, seminars and Q&As have been made readily available, so I thought I'd highlight the most intriguing scuttlebutt making the rounds behind the scenes.

It's all very much on the down low, but sources say there is a revolutionary new hockey mouth guard poised to hit the marketplace this season. It won't be available in sporting goods stores. You have to get it from your dentist. And since it's custom made, you'll have to give him/her a dental impression first.

Best impression I've heard so far was of Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Mouths: "Tooth? You want the tooth? Son, you can't handle the tooth."

Also generating buzz was word that crooning legend Tony Bennett is being quietly courted to sing a much ballyhooed hockey theme song. According to the early buzz it is every bit as catchy as his anthem, I Left My Heart in San Francisco. It's called I Left My Knee Cartilage In Philadelphia.

Insiders say there is growing support for a landmark hockey marketing campaign in Canada. Movers and shakers in the sport are said to be keen on placing a bumper sticker on the back fender of every vehicle in the country that will read: My other car is a Zamboni. (If it takes off there is a follow-up campaign already in the works that would place a bumper sticker on every Zamboni in the country that will read: My other Zamboni is a Zamboni.)

Franchise Relocation - Phoenix. This, we hear, is officially a done deal. You can take it to the bank.

So, visiting NHL teams playing the Coyotes in Glendale this year be forewarned. If you get a case of the post-game late night munchies, that 24-hour Cholesterol Cholesterol franchise across the street from the arena that you have to come to know and love over the years is being relocated and replaced by a Mr. Fatburger.

Also on the league front, after 25 years the NHL is said to be re-examining it's venerable slogan: Hockey - The Fastest Game On Ice.

After exhaustive research and countless focus groups it turns out the only other game on ice is curling. Stay tuned.

And finally, two new controversial rules were the talk of the summit, well out of earshot and view of the microphones and cameras.

1. Stick Length: The new rule is said to be a slam dunk, if you'll pardon the mixed metaphor. It is going to be strictly enforced at the next NHL meetings in Palm Beach in December. Any owner found on the lawn using a croquet mallet that exceeds 38.5 inches will be banished to the shuffleboard court until "Simon says" they can come back. Ouch.

2. No-Touch Icing: Also said to be put in force in Palm Beach, but not until next year's meetings in June. Any owner discovered in the hotel kitchen sticking his finger in the bowl before Gary Bettman's surprise birthday cake is finished will be smacked by chef Giovanni with a spatula to be named later. Double ouch. Now who said the league isn't serious about making real changes?