BUT SERIOUSLY: Do you want cash back with this column?

Ever since the new year started all we've been hearing on radio and TV and reading in the newspapers is that we are in for tough financial times in 2012.

And each report is gloomier than the one before.

So imagine my surprise when I walked into the grocery store this week and after putting my debit card into the machine, and the screen display asked me if I wanted cash back.

Cash? Just for showing up?

No way. It had to be a mistake.

So I typed the following response: "You sure you want to give me cash now in light of the current economic conditions and all?"

"Would you like cash back?" the screen queried. "Yes or no?"

"Are you sure you mean me? Heck, I've never even shopped here before," I typed in response.

"Would you like cash back?" the screen displayed one more time. "Yes or no?"

OK. So it wasn't an error. Excellent.

I wasted no time. "Show me the money," I typed as fast as my little fingers would move.

"Would you like cash back?" the screen asked yet again in response, apparently not familiar with Cuba Gooding, Jr.'s famous tag line in the movie Jerry Maguire.

"Sorry for the pop culture reference. I couldn't resist," I typed. "Just out of curiosity, how much cash are we talking about, anyhow?"

The screen promptly displayed increments of $20, $40, $60 and $80.

My eyes opened wide. That's serious cash.

Ah, but which amount to choose? That's the $20, $40, $60 or $80 question. Eighty bucks was very inviting, no doubt. But I didn't want to make a bad first impression by appearing to be too greedy, so I figured I'd just go for the $20.

"Would you like cash back?" came the now angry response, the screen display visibly upset.

"Who wouldn't?" I typed eagerly.

"Can we take that 'Who wouldn't' as a 'Yes?'," came the decidedly agitated reply.

"Be my guest," I typed gleefully.

"Can we take that 'Be my guest' as a 'Yes?'," came the even more annoyed reply.

"Uh, huh," I typed buoyantly.

"Can we take that 'Uh, huh' as a 'Yes?'," came the reply, now extremely miffed.

"Go ahead," I typed enthusiastically.

"Can we take that 'Go ahead' as a 'Yes?'," came the reply, clearly running out of patience.

"I don't see why not," I typed gleefully.

Can we take that 'I don't see why not' as a 'Yes?'," came the reply, now obviously at the end of its rope.

"No problem," I typed ecstatically.

Exasperated, the screen fired back: "Forget it, pal. We don't have all day. The deal is off. Next."

Figures. I knew it was too good to be true.