BUT SERIOUSLY: Food for thought at old Maple Leaf Gardens

The opening of the Loblaws in the old Maple Leaf Gardens was Wednesday and one gets the feeling the new place is going to be hopping in no time.

Ah, but will there eventually be grocery scalpers out front replacing the ubiquitous ticket scalpers that were around during the Gardens heyday?

It would be a seamless transition. The pitch wouldn't have to be altered, only the spelling. I can hear it now.

Scalper: "Who needs a pear? Who's looking for a pear? Who needs a pear?"

Joe Food Fan: "How much you asking?"

Scalper: "Depends on the location. Where did you have in mind, sir?"

Joe: "Fresh fruit section."

Scalper: "Ah. Bad timing. Just sold my last fresh pear. All I've got left is frozen. Who needs a pear? Who's looking for a pear? Who needs a pear?"

Joe: "Come on. Who buys frozen pears?"

Scalper: "Are you kidding me, man? I just sold seven to that family over there. Mom, dad, two kids, grandma and grandpa and their basset hound. Trust me, frozen pears are selling like hot cakes."

Joe: "Really? Now that you mention it, I could go for some hot cakes."

Scalper: "Uh, I hate to break it you, I'm out of those, too. That's the trouble with hot cakes. Darn things sell like hot cakes."

Joe: "Boy, that's a real bitter pill to swallow. And I don't need any more of those today, thank you very much. It's just a hunch, but let me guess, you're out of sweet pills to swallow too, right?"

Scalper: "Bingo. Sorry, I'm new to the supermarket game. My inventory management needs a lot of work. Who needs a pear? Who's looking for a pear? Who needs a pear?"

Joe: "But I really do need a fresh pear. My wife will be on my case when she gets back from parking the car. We drove down all the way from Gravenhurst."

Scalper: "I've got a pear from the frozen section with your name on it. All you've got to do is just say the word."

Joe: "No can do."

Scalper: "Come on. It had an unobstructed view overlooking the ice."

Joe: "Yeah, right."

Scalper: "I can show you the freezer plan on my iPhone. See? No big frozen bananas in the way. You can't ask for a better view of the ice underneath."

Joe: "You make a compelling case., but for the sake of my marriage it's gotta be a fresh pear only. Failing that, hot cakes or sweet pills to swallow. That's it."

Scalper: "I hear you loud and clear. No worries. Try me next Saturday night. You've given me something to chew on."

Joe: "Wait a minute. Something to chew on. I like the sound of them apples."

Scalper: "Sorry. I'm chewing on my last piece of gum, too. And I'm also all out of apples, I'm afraid."

Joe: "Well, if that doesn't take the cake."

Scalper: "It doesn't. I've got one left. A yummy Black Forest. And I'll even throw in the recyclable plastic bag because of all your heartache. Whaddya say?"

Joe: "Done. Pleasure doing business with you."

Scalper: "Likewise. Who needs a pear? Who's looking for a pear? Who..."