But Seriously

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A pigeon walks into a psychiatrist's office. And not just any pigeon, but the famous Parkdale Pigeon, mascot of the Parkdale Pigeons, of the Greater Toronto Hockey League.

PSYCHIATRIST: "So how can I help you, son?"

PARKDALE PIGEON: "Well, Doc, I'm the mascot for the team in Parkdale."

PSYCHIATRIST: "Not to worry. The Pigeon's won't be in the cellar forever. If they get a good draft next year, add a couple of free agents and fire the coach, things might turn around. If not, the league is expanding next year by two teams, so they've at least gotta be better than those two stiffs."

PIGEON: "Very funny, Doc. But it's not the team, it's the outfit."

PSYCHIATRIST: "You mean it's too hot? You know what they say: If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the pigeon."

PIGEON: "Are you gonna be serious?"

PSYCHIATRIST: "Relax, son. Don't get your feathers ruffled."

PIGEON: "Doctor."

PSYCHIATRIST: "Sorry. I couldn't resist. Go ahead. I'll be good from now on. Now, what are you in such a flap about."

PIGEON: "Doctorrr."

PSYCHIATRIST: "That's the last one, I promise."

PIGEON: "Like I said, I have to wear this stupid getup virtually 24 hours a day. Fort starters I have to be in costume for all the games."

PSYCHIATRIST: "I see."

PIGEON: "Then there are the team functions and charitable events."

PSYCHIATRIST: "Of course."

PIGEON: "And finally, all Kiwanis club, Shriners club and legion hall commitments for which I serve as team ambassador."

PSYCHIATRIST: "So you're busy? That's your complaint? Son, we have 4.5 per cent unemployment rate here. A lot of people would love to be in your position."

PIGEON: "I know. I'm not ungrateful. It's not the work. I love it. It's just that I'm in the costume so much I'm starting to really feel like a pigeon. After spending all this time in the uniform I don't know where I begin and he ends."

PSYCHIATRIST: "Ah. So that's it. You're having an identity crisis? Well, why didn't you say so in the first place."

PIGEON: "I was trying, but you were doing shtick. So can you help me?"

PSYCHIATRIST: "I have to say this is not exactly the type of thing I run into every day. And I'll be honest, I can't just snap my fingers and make your problem go away with one recommendation. It's kinda complex."

PIGEON: "I understand."

PSYCHIATRIST: "But I do have one suggestion."

PIGEON: "What? I'll do anything."

PSYCHIATRIST: "I don't want you to get your hopes up, but for starters...you might wanna come down from the windowsill."

PIGEON: "Thanks Doc, you're a real lifesaver. Can you give me a hand?"

PSYCHIATRIST: "No problem. Now, be a good lad and have Madge send in the next patient, the Thornhill Turtle."

THORNHILL TURTLE: "Hi Doc. The thing is..."

PSYCHIATRIST: "Let me guess: You want me to help you come out of your shell, right?"