But Seriously

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Passover begins Saturday evening. If you're going to your first Seder or bringing a date who is a novice, here are my answers to the 10 most frequently asked questions.

Dear Jamie: "My girlfriend is the prototypical shiksa. Platinum blonde, drop-dead gorgeous, legs up to here and sexier than all get out. Trouble is, I'm the only one bringing a non-Jewish companion and everybody in the place will be named Zvi or Moishe - and her name is Raven. I just want to try and get through the evening as inconspicuously as possible. Any suggestions?"

A: "Yeah. Tell her not to wear her see-through, leopard-print halter-top."

Dear Jamie: "My boyfriend says his family does the whole Seder in Hebrew and that the relatives take a very dim view of anybody who can't follow along. Since I'm not Jewish he says that they'll be looking over at me just waiting for me to turn a page at the wrong time. What should I do?"

A: "On second thought, you better wear that see-through halter-top after all."

Dear Jamie: "Just why is this night different from all other nights anyway?

A: "It's the only night you see Uncle Saulie and Auntie Esther in the same room."

Dear Jamie: "My fiance says if you eat Matzah for all seven days you can schedule your next bowel movement for next Passover. Is that really true?"

A: "I sure hope so. I've been counting down the days since November."

Dear Jamie: "What's the deal with the bitter herb?"

A: "Ah, don't mind him. He's always kvetching 'cause they never have the Seder at his place. It's nothing personal against Herb. It's just that he lives in Richmond Hill and nobody wants to schlep that far."

Dear Jamie: "Did Moses really say to Pharaoh, 'Let my people go?'"

A: "It is the most frequently used translation, but scholars tout two others as well.

1: "'So dude, what's it gonna be, 'Yahweh or the highway?'

2. "'Okay Pharaoh, regarding my ongoing plea to allow the Hebrew slaves to leave Egypt, lest you want to be revisited by yet another plague, I ask you one last time, is it 'Deal, Or No Deal?'"

Dear Jamie: "The highlight of the Seder each year is the story of the exodus. Is it as eventful as they say?"

A: "More so. There will be at least 16 cars in the driveway at the house you are at. The cousin who owns the one stuck in the front will demand to leave first. And unless Moses himself returns to part the driveway, it can get pretty ugly."

Dear Jamie: "How do you make Mogen David wine?"

A: "Stick him beside Uncle Irv."

Dear Jamie: "How do you make Manischewitz wine?"

A: "By asking how do you make Mogen David wine. He likes the jokes to be about him all the time."

Dear Jamie: "Last but certainly not least, the name Moses means 'saviour' and also 'drawn from the water.' I'm wondering, since Moses had a big nose and black curly hair and was given the name by his mother, Pharaoh's daughter (who hadn't been pregnant and was said to be barren) and curiously shows up carrying him in a soaking wet basket in which he is wrapped in a Jewish swaddling cloth the day after Pharaoh announces an edict that the first male child of each Hebrew slave shall be slain, wouldn't you have thought that this would have raised an eyebrow or two of suspicion in Egypt?"

A: "Hindsight is 20-20 vision."

Enjoy the Seder. And if you're coming to ours, not to worry, you can wear that halter top. Not you, Herb. I meant Raven.