The York Guardian

Anyhow, the interior of my car is an eyesore and it's all Bowen's fault.

It started innocently enough when I went to Fergus last Saturday to visit my friends Peter and Jill. I timed the return trip to coincide with the Leafs/Senators game. But thanks to Bowen the journey turned into a living nightmare.

The trouble began with the first words out of his mouth: "Toronto is defending the end to my right and Ottawa is defending the end to my left."

I immediately started to panic. This was the most important game of the year and I had no idea what the heck Bowen was talking about. Did he mean his right and left or my right and left? And didn't whether he meant his or mine depend on where I was listening to the game in proximity to him. And being in a car, didn't it also hinge on which direction I was traveling? And wouldn't those co-ordinates be in constant flux each time I made a turn? I tell ya, I was a basket case and the first puck hadn't even been dropped.

It was clear that the only way I could keep my sanity would be to pick my own sides and stick with them for the game. So I imagined the Leafs defending the speakers on the right and the Sens defending the ones to the left.

Thank goodness for stereo.

But that wasn't enough. I still needed some visuals to go along with it.

The counter top in front of me made the most sensible simulated ice surface so I started there. Then I made a strip of dental floss the center line and an onion ring I found on the floor mat became the face-off circle.

Next I used an empty pita as the Sens net and a taco shell as the Leaf net.

So far so good. But what about players? No problemo. Six tic tacs wedged in the car seat became the Sens and six McNuggets in the glove compartment became the Leafs. (I realize it gave the boys in blue and white a distinct size advantage, but hey, they're fighting for their playoff lives and general manager Cliff Fletcher did bupkis at the trade deadline. They needed all the help they could get, right?)

Well, it was a bumpy ride so there was already stuff all over the place when a truck almost cut me off as I exited Hwy. 6 to get to the 401. I had to swerve sharply at the last second just to make the off-ramp. And then all heck broke loose. After that sudden turn, referee Brad Meier lost control of the game in my car. A half-eaten Angus burger squared off with a half-eaten Whopper, a decaying panzarotti began duking it out with a month-old chimichanga, and when two tic tacs landed on top of one McNugget I lost it.

"Second man in Meier," I screamed. "C'mon, ref. That's an automatic penalty!"

But it was hopeless. There was nothing Meier could do now.

I couldn't take any more, so at the next exit I pulled into a Petro Canada station and listened to the rest of the game parked next to the air pump.

Luckily for Leaf nation, the lads fought back valiantly to win 5-4, keeping their slim playoff hopes alive. Luckily for me, Mel Lastman got wind of my story and called in the military the next day to come and clean up my car.

Holy Mackinaw! I love happy endings.