But Seriously

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I don't how the heck this column ever got written. I was suffering from the worst case of writer's block ever. It was so bad I had to go see a psychiatrist.

PSYCHIATRIST: "So Jamie, how can I help you today?"

JAMIE: "Aren't you forgetting something, Doc?"

PSYCHIATRIST: "No. You can pay my receptionist after. Not to worry."

JAMIE: "Not that. The you know?"

PSYCHIATRIST: "What's the you know?"

JAMIE: "The thing."

PSYCHIATRIST: "The thing? That's not ringing a bell either, I'm afraid. I graduated a long time ago. I'm not up with the latest psychiatric jargon. You're gonna have to help me out here."

JAMIE: "The thing, you know, the couch."

PSYCHIATRIST: "What about the couch?"

JAMIE: "Aren't you gonna ask me if I want to lie down on it first?"

PSYCHIATRIST: "Do you want to lie down on the couch?"

JAMIE: "You're the psychiatrist. You tell me."

PSYCHIATRIST: "It isn't mandatory, if that's what you're getting at. Tony Soprano never uses the couch."

JAMIE: "James Gandolfini sees a shrink in real life, too. Cool. Talk about life imitating art. Tell me, is he as messed up as he is on the show?"

PSYCHIATRIST: "I meant on the Sopranos. The point is, feel free to use the chair if you want."

JAMIE: "I have to tell you Doc, the chair doesn't look all that appetizing. Wicker just doesn't do it for me. Have you got another one? That's it? One wicker chair? Tell me, do most people use the couch?"

PSYCHIATRIST: "They do."

JAMIE: "Is it because they want to use the couch or they just don't like wicker?"

PSYCHIATRIST: "I honestly hadn't given it much thought."

JAMIE: "My guess is that it's the wicker. Nobody likes wicker."

PSYCHIATRIST: "You could be right."

JAMIE: "Is it OK if I just stand, then?"

PSYCHIATRIST: "I don't think so. You're gonna have to choose one or the other."

JAMIE: "If I use the couch, do I have to lie on it or could I just sit on it?"

PSYCHIATRIST: "You can sit on it if you like."

JAMIE: "You won't think that's weird?"

PSYCHIATRIST: "I'm a psychiatrist, I don't think anything is weird."

JAMIE: "What if I say I want to lie on the chair? You wouldn't think that's weird?"

PSYCHIATRIST: "Well, maybe a little. I mean, if you don't like sitting on wicker, I don't see how lying on it would make it any more comfy."

JAMIE: "Thanks, Doc. You're a lifesaver."

PSYCHIATRIST: "Hey. Where are you going? We still have another 45 minutes. I thought you came here because you had a case of writer's block."

JAMIE: "Not anymore. I'm good to go."

PSYCHIATRIST: "What are you gonna write about then?"

JAMIE: "I dunno. Furniture, a popular TV series, tired stereotypes, the usual fodder. I'll come up with something. Would you like me to send you a copy?"

PSYCHIATRIST: "No thanks."

JAMIE: "You sure? It's no bother."

PSYCHIATRIST: "Yup. It's not necessary. I feel a severe case of reader's block coming on."