The York Guardian

And on top of that, I've been absolutely inundated with e-mails.

Mind you, neither of these events have had anything to do with my column. The hook had a screw loose and the e-mails were all product solicitations.

Still, if anybody had actually bothered to contact me with any questions, these would have been my responses.

Dear Jamie,

In last week's column you made it abundantly clear that Toronto should not try and move Mats Sundin. In fact, you implied that they should move anyone but him. That out of the way, what would your wish list be for this column?

A: That you'd read it and laugh uproariously.

Dear Jamie,

He meant a wish list for the Leafs, nimrod.

A: That whatever they decide to do regarding their players, when you read about it, that you don't laugh uproariously. (And these are supposed to be questions, know-it-all.)

Dear Jamie,

The last time the Leafs won the Stanley Cup was 41 years ago. I remember it vividly because the night before I went to a Rolling Stones concert. Sadly, it's looking like it could be another 41 years before we'll see the next cup. What do you think I'll be doing the night before if they actually do win it all in 2049?

A: I'd lay even money you could be at another Stones concert. I'm sure they'll still be touring.

Dear Jamie,

Every time I watch the Leafs on television when the camera cuts to the press box, interim GM Cliff Fletcher is chewing away vigorously and frowning, whether the team is winning or losing. What's that all about?

A: I think it's pretty obvious. It's those awful peanuts at the ACC.

Dear Jamie,

I keep reading that the big problem the Leafs have is that they don't have any cap room left. This is Canada, for heaven's sake. Wouldn't it be more disconcerting if they didn't have enough tuque room left?

A: Hey, I do the gags around here, pal.

Dear Jamie,

Speaking of alleged jokes, the gist of this column is that readers give you a serious question about the Leafs and then you turn around and make a joke out of it. I hate to break it to you, but the premise wears thin after the first couple and then it just gets tiresome. What do you think about them apples?

A: You been to an Austin Powers movie lately? Last I checked that formula was working like a charm for Mike Myers. So thanks for the endorsement. I've got my fingers crossed. With any luck I'll be doing voice-overs for Shrek 4, too.

Dear Jamie,

I can see you're running out of space, so I'll keep this brief. A lot of managers and coaches have been getting canned of late by the Leafs for supposedly messing up the franchise. Ditto for the Toronto Raptors, which are also owned by the same parent company. Yet interestingly, no matter how badly things work out for the respective teams, the people at the top responsible for bringing in these supposed incompetents are able to distance themselves from the poor results and get to keep their lofty positions while those they hire walk the plank. Any thoughts?

A: Just one: that I get a job like that when I grow up.