The York Guardian

Or, "Hey Jamie, I just read your column and that's the funniest thing I've read since Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment said the Leafs were going to make the playoffs last year."

And my all-time fave, "Hey Jamie, I just read your column and that's the funniest thing I've read since Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment said the Leafs were going to make the playoffs (insert any year)."

Truth be told, as yet I have failed to achieve such a high. Kinda like the Leafs.

The lows come quite frequently on the other hand. Take last Saturday.

I was jogging down Spadina, when a stranger driving by rolled down the window and yelled out, "Hey Jamie, I saw your column."

("Saw" being the operative word here, folks.)

"Which one," I screamed back enthusiastically.

"I don't know. It was a few weeks ago." The window went up and he sped off.

After the run, I stopped off to pick up a pair of repaired jeans at the cleaners - I had the tailor make the rip in the knee bigger so my nieces and nephew would think their uncle is still cool - when I bumped into a neighbour.

"Hey Jamie, I saw your column," he said.

"Which one," I replied excitedly.

"I don't know, but it had a really big headline. The biggest one on the page."

I got home, took my post-run lemon tangerello bubble bath and the phone rang.

It was my sister-in-law, Sandra, of "Jamie, are you seeing anybody" fame.

This time it was Sandra who was doing the seeing.

"Hey Jamie, I just called to let you know I saw your column."

"Which one," I chirped ever hopeful.

"I don't know. I haven't gotten to it yet. I set it aside."

And that's the way the rest of the day went. That's how all my weekends go.

"Hey Jamie, I saw your column." "Which one?" "I don't know, but it had your picture on top."

"Hey Jamie, I saw your column." "Which one?" "I don't know, but it was on the editorial page."

"Hey Jamie, I saw your column." "Which one?" "I don't know, but it was in the perfect location. On the right side where it really grabbed the eye."

And there you have it. Whether or not my column will ever be deemed as funny as, say, oh, Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment's latest promise that the Leafs will make the playoffs next year, will forever remain a mystery, because nobody actually reads it, it seems. But damn if it don't look good. Like me, apparently. At least, according to me my niece, Rebecca, anyway.

"Jamie, that big rip in your jeans proves that you're still the bomb," she told me Sunday night. "So I'm gonna post your column on YouTube. It's time the whole world saw it."

Be still my heart. "Which one," I inquired, taking the bait like I always do.

"I don't know," she replied. "The one I saw a few weeks ago. It had a really big headline, was on the editorial page and on the right side, too. Where it really grabbed the eye. So I set it aside."

"You must be psychic, cutie. That's the one I'd have chosen, too."