The City Centre Mirror

You get an automated voice that puts its predecessors to shame.

OPERATOR: "Welcome to Communications Giant Inc. Pour la service en francais, dit francais. To get to the directory, press one. Otherwise, tell me want you want. ... You didn't press any buttons, I guess that means you want to talk."

JAMIE: "Sez who? I could be a mime."

OPERATOR: "Excuse me."

JAMIE: "You know, a mime. Like Marcel Marceau."

OPERATOR: "Oh, I believe you said home phone."

JAMIE: "I said nothing of the sort. I said Marceau. How the heck do you get phone from Marceau?"

OPERATOR: "Pardon."

JAMIE: "Marcel Marceau. One of the world's most famous mimes. He used to be a staple on the Ed Sullivan Show."

OPERATOR: "Oh, so you do want a home phone."

JAMIE: I said show noodlebrain, not phone. Read my lips: Ed Sullivan SHOW."

OPERATOR: "You know you're dating yourself?"

JAMIE: "Obviously, you don't read my column. If you did, you'd know I'm not dating anyone. Now can we just get back to the part where no matter what I respond, you're programmed to say it sounded like I said 'home phone'?"

OPERATOR: "Nobody tells me what to say."

JAMIE:" So you're saying you have a mind of your own?"

OPERATOR: "Ah, so you do want a home phone, then."

JAMIE: "I said own, nimrod. Though granted, unlike the other two, at least own rhymes with phone."

OPERATOR: "We seem to be having a bit of a communication problem here. Why don't you just tell me what you want me to do?"

JAMIE: "I would dearly love to do that sir, but alas, this is a family newspaper."

OPERATOR: "Come again? You appeared to mutter something under your breath. I didn't quite catch it."

JAMIE: "That's OK, my readers did. It wasn't a total loss."

OPERATOR: "Huh? I'm still not following you."

JAMIE: "Let me spell it out for you, Mac: this automated stuff is a total joke."

OPERATOR: "So you do want a home phone, then?"

JAMIE: "I said joke. Joke doesn't sound anywhere close to phone either. If these responses are too tough for you, I could dummy it down a little."

OPERATOR: "Do I detect a tinge of sarcasm?"

JAMIE: "Absolutely not. When it comes to sarcasm, I can assure you I never, ever use a tinge. I always give it 110 per cent."

OPERATOR: "You realize you're arguing with an automated voice?"

JAMIE: "I do."

OPERATOR: "And what's more, you're losing. Big time."

JAMIE: "I understand that, too."

OPERATOR: "Do you know why?"

JAMIE: "Because you're in the zone?"

OPERATOR: "So you do want a home phone. I can take that as a yes?"

JAMIE: "Will it shut you up finally?"

OPERATOR: "Me? Yup. But not the automated lady I pass you to who will finalize the deal. She's gonna pretend everything you say rhymes with up-sell. Lotsa luck pal, you're gonna need it."