Beach(es) Beat

Print

E-mail

Text

I believe this country would have accepted the consequences of climate change more readily if the warnings about it had been expressed in terms most Canadians could understand.

Apart from any other consideration global warming means no snow and no snow means the dissipation of this country's very essence. Canada means icicles and whiteouts and seeing your breath as soon as you got out of bed in the morning.

Mark my words, because time will prove me right, but no snow means that our young men will spend 10 months of the year basking in the sizzling sands near the boardwalk and taking the occasional dip in the tepid waters of Lake Ontario without playing one single minute of hockey. Before you know it we will be stuck with a generation of sandy-bottomed layabouts who have no idea of how winter has shaped the Canadian persona.

And speaking of young men, winter has also changed the way they look. For generations winter has meant hockey in these parts, but just as surely as global warming means no ice, hockey means no teeth. Hockey players are the most recognized athletes in the world because of their missing gangs and fans love them for it.

The old Philadelphia Flyer captain Bobby Clarke didn't have particularly imposing numbers when he retired but he is highly regarded because his gap-toothed smile tells you that whatever he got in the game, he earned.

This linking of hockey and Canada is said to have also found its way into the world of letters. Legend has it that Sherlock Holmes once unmasked the true identity of a felon who claimed to be from Hamilton, Ontario with this immortal deduction: "My dear Watson he can't be a Canadian, he's got all his teeth."

I take this opportunity to point out that Canada is the home of many outstanding women hockey players but they use their hockey sticks to propel the puck toward the opposing goaltender rather than employing them to beat their opponents senseless.

If one looks closely one can see a domino effect forming here. No snow means no hockey and this means no beer because 12 months of the year that is the beverage of choice for hockey fans throughout this broad land. Before long Canadian lads will sit around dipping sissy drinks with Kahlua in them called names like Silly Frilly or Harper's Revenge.

All I can say in conclusion is hold onto your snow shovels guys because one day they will fetch a pretty penny in antique stores.