North York Mirror
I’ve got some bad news.
Mel’s hemorrhoids are acting up again. So he won’t be coming over to watch the hockey game on Saturday night. Sorry to have to pass it along. But Bertha thought you might like to know.
Who’s Mel, you might ask? Beats me. I’ve never met the guy.
What’s more, Mel’s not even his real name.
And he doesn’t actually have hemorrhoids acting up. He has something else acting up.
On top of that, it’s not my place that he’s not coming over to either, for that matter. It’s Bertha’s.
Which is not her real name, either.
I bumped into the lady in question the other day when the subway was shut down for awhile on my route and we all had to be diverted to shuttle buses.
I’m not a big fan of these shuttles. They always pack you in like sardines and on this one we were crammed in even tighter than usual.
Anyhow, as the back door was about to close the aforementioned not-really Bertha managed to squeeze her way in last.
She was sneezing up a storm as she entered, much to the chagrin of everyone inside. It must have been about a dozen sneezes in a row before she finally stopped. Every passenger’s nightmare is having somebody with a cold in the vicinity.
We all breathed a collective sigh of relief when she reached into her pocket for what we assumed would be a handful of tissues.
Alas, said collective sigh was short-lived.
It wasn’t tissues she was grabbing after all, it was her cell phone. She had to talk to her husband, Harvey.
Everybody together: “Not his real name, either.”
Oh excuse me, did I say “talk”? My apologies for the inaccuracy. I meant to say “scream” – as many on cellphones are wont to do these days in public places for some reason.
And when I say scream, I mean loud enough so everybody in this shuttle, everyone in the seven shuttles behind us and everyone in any of the shuttles currently in orbit anywhere in the universe could hear.
Anyhow, she was phoning to say the fictitiously named Mel, who was her brother, and best friend to her hubby, the fictitiously named Harvey, had left a message that wouldn’t be coming over to watch the game because he didn’t feel up to it given his condition. But she was hoping to convince him to change his mind and was going to call him back right now.
Unfortunately, at that moment she got off at the next stop. I couldn’t believe it. Just when things were getting interesting, too. The suspense is still killing me.
Personally, I’m hoping she succeeded. If he comes over and her cellphone happens to go off while he’s there it could be just what the doctor ordered.
Compared to having to listen to that racket, hemorrhoids acting up might not feel so bad after all.
Or whatever it is he actually has acting up, I mean.