Helping Teens End Abusive Relationships.
Teen abuse happens. Know the signs and get out.
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A 2006 Statistics Canada report, which measured violence against women said the rates of violence continue to be the highest among young women.
As well, young women under the age of 25 show the highest rates of sexual assault and criminal harassment by their intimate partners and homicide rates are highest for young couples.
These facts are just some of the many reasons why Sarah Rogers, crisis counsellor at Victim Services Toronto, created TEAR, which stands for Teens Ending Abusive Relationships, to help bring awareness about domestic violence to Toronto teens 12 to 18.
"If you're going to educate people, you want to hit that most high-risk group and teens are the most high-risk group for being in abusive relationships" said Rogers, who is also the TEAR coordinator.
Rogers said the program aims to bring awareness to relationship violence and its warning signs, while opening the door of discussion.
"We have to talk about it, be real about the realities of the situation," she said. 'I tell them 'I'm not here to sugar coat it, I'm here to show you what the facts are.'"
As a result, students are learning about the resources available, disclosing abusive situations and taking a stand by not staying silent. Communication helps to break the cycle of violence and promote zero tolerance for domestic abuse, Rogers said,
Victim Services began as a Toronto police initiative to provide resources, counselling and emotional support to victims of domestic violence. A few years ago, police officers realized by the time officers get to victims' homes it's too late because the incidents have already happened, Rogers said.
"Domestic violence is really a preventable crime so we really wanted to be more proactive," she said.
Two years later, TEAR has visited many Grade 8 classes and Toronto high schools, more than 40 since this January. Rogers said high school is where teenagers are getting into relationships for the first time and it's hard for them to know if they are in a healthy or unhealthy one if they've never been in one before.
She said often times abuse is gradual and most teens never know what they've gotten themselves into.
"I always say, domestic violence never starts off with a slap across the face on the first date," she said.
It usually starts in the honeymoon phase where everything is wonderful, Rogers said adding they are on Cloud 9 and they have the same values and interests, but eventually they get into the tension phase when they begin to disagree on things like who there friends are and who they spend time with.
"Then you get to the escalation phase and this is where all the types of abuse happen whether it's the verbal, sexual or physical," she said. "Then the abuser will typically say 'I'm sorry, it won't happen again. I promise I'll change, please take me back.'"
This is what's called the remorse stage and often times the abuser is taken back. Rogers said this is when the cycle repeats and the honeymoon stage begins again.
"Victims think that the abusers are going to change. They do, but it's temporary. It doesn't last. It doesn't have any substance to it," she said.
Not unless there has been some sort of intervention that happens and that person reaches out to change their behaviour with counselling or other help. Otherwise, they will abuse again.
"After time you're only going to have the tension and escalation phases. You're not going to have any more good times," Rogers said.
Abuse is about power and control, but many teens mistake their partners' controlling behaviour, such as jealousy or possessiveness, as a sign of love, Rogers explained.
"This one is so key for teenagers because they think, 'They just want to spend all their time with me and they don't want me to see my friends because they love me so much, they can't bear to be without me,' but these are warning signs," she said.
WARNING SIGNS
Rogers said spending 24-7 together isn't healthy, and can lead to the victim being isolated from friends and family.
There are other warning signs that could indicate you are at risk.
Ask yourself, are you afraid to disagree with your partner? Has your partner ever called you fat, ugly or stupid? Are you afraid to speak to members of the opposite sex?
So why, at the first sign of abuse, do these teens stay?
Why do they tolerate this treatment?
Rogers said there are a number of possible reasons, but the biggest reason is they have developed an attachment to their abuser.
"It's hard for them because they legitimately love their partners and they think (their partners) going to change because that's what they've been told," she said.
There is also the self-esteem aspect, Rogers said. Abusers slowly break down their victims identity through a number of ways including put-downs, humiliation, intimidation, threats, controlling behaviour and name calling.
Verbal abuse affects our emotions, self-esteem and self worth and Rogers said after time, someone calling you bad names or telling you repeatedly things like 'you're worthless, no one will want you' those things become part of a person's identity.
"Why would they try and leave if they don't think they're worth (something) or deserved anything better?" she said.
Those feelings, along with feeling fear, shame and isolation, is a deadly cocktail resulting in teens feeling stuck in the abusive relationship. Rogers said there is a lot of shame attached to being abused along with low-self-esteem issues and most people don't want to speak about it.
"Nobody wants to admit that they fell victim to domestic violence because often times people feel it reflects on their own judgement or that the abusive relationship is reflective of who they are and their judgement of other people," she said.
One of the most important things to know about abuse in relationships is that no one is immune, Rogers said adding domestic violence can affect anyone regardless of class, ethnic background or a good or bad home life.