Domestic abuse is unacceptable, but the sad reality is one in four women are affected by it and Toronto police respond to more than 25,000 domestic incidents each year, which doesn't include those who don't report abuse.
Staying in an abusive relationship, or getting out and not seeking the help, can have many harmful consequences that could be detrimental to living a healthy and happy life.
According to research:
* High risks of developing chronic depression, low self-esteem, engaging in dangerous and self-destructive behaviours such as substance abuse, self-harm or suicide.
* A number of psychological disorders such as depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and anxiety disorders.
* Female children and youth victims or witnesses also have the added risks of poor performance in school, anti-social and defiant behaviours, an increased likelihood of becoming criminal offenders in their adult years and using violence themselves to solve problems, thus continuing the violence cycle.
* Early intervention and assistance is critical to ensuring victims are provided with the opportunity to re-gain pre-trauma functioning and the ability to live well-balanced healthy lives.
* If help is not sought, it's a certainty the abuser will abuse again. If you have been a victim, you are more at risk to be in another abusive relationship.
* Being a teenager is hard enough and the last experience any parent wants is their teen to be abused. However, parents have to approach the situation gently in order to help their children get out of a harmful and dangerous relationship. It's all about the approach, and communication is key.
* Don't criticize the abuser. If parents say he's a jerk or a loser, the first reaction of a teen will be to defend their partner and prove you wrong. Ultimately, it may push the couple closer together.
* Don't judge the partner or the abuser, or place blame. You want to actively listen to your child and empathize with them, not 'I feel sorry for you' but 'I hear you. I see your perspective. I understand it's difficult.' You want to validate their feelings.
* Most teens first response will be they love their partner. Say you understand, but at the same time you need to inform your teen of what abuse is.
For example, "I know you love them, but can't you see how upset you are all the time?' Or 'You think it's a measure of his love that he wants to spend all his time with you, but you don't see your friends anymore. Don't you miss your friends?" You could also say, 'I really think he's isolating you and I'm really concerned. I really love you and I want you to be happy and I see that's he's hurting you and I don't want you to be hurt."
Approaching it in a sympathetic and calm way helps the teen to be more opening to listening and to not automatically be defensive.
* Probably the most important question you need to ask is, "Do you feel safe?" because if they don't that could be one of the reasons why they don't want to come forward.
* Make sure you have resources in place to help: school social worker, principal or counsellor and make sure your teen has a safe place to express themselves such as the Kids Help Phone or other peer help lines.
SIGNS TEENS MAY BE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
* Unhappy a lot of the time, loss of weight, changes in appearance or eating and sleeping habits.
For example, if it's the middle of summer and they're wearing long shirts they may be covering bruises, much like if they're wearing a lot more makeup.
* Someone who is usually confident, fun, bubbly and extroverted becomes isolated, moody and less social and just goes out with the boyfriend. Or all of a sudden they are saying things like 'I feel fat' or I feel ugly,' or showing other symptoms of low self-esteem and low self-worth.
* Grades drop, they lose interest in school activities and other things they used to like and participate in before they were in that relationship.
Note:
Although statistics support the fact there are more female victims of domestic violence, males are abused as well. Even if it's a female abusing a male, the same cycle of violence exists: the honeymoon, tension, escalation and remorse phases.
If there is assault that's clearly evident or you feel your child is in danger, report it to the police immediately or call 911.